Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day: A Bittersweet Holiday for Me

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I've never blogged about this before and even as I am typing this I am wondering if I should publish it or not? If may be too personal for some of you...but then again this blog documents my life, all aspects of it. So maybe, just maybe I will keep this post up. We will see. For now just typing this out I feel is good for me. See, I don't have a positive relationship with my mother. To be perfectly honest I don't have a relationship  with her period. I have not spoken to her in 4 years. Prior to that it had been an on again off again relationship since I was 15 years old...mostly on the off side.

I ran away from home when I was 15 years old and checked myself into a group home for homeless kids. Even though I was young I knew enough to know my mom wasn't normal, that she was sick. I fought long and hard to be taken seriously, social workers saw my good grades and behavior, that I didnt do drugs, had a steady boyfriend on the football team... and they thought I was just throwing a hissy fit. A spoiled child. My mother was very good acting and could have been a politician if she wanted to be. Social workers fell for her lines and many times I was nearly shoved back into an abusive home. But I fought. And I fought some more. Finally I found a youth worker who recognized and acknowledged the emotional/psychological abuse I had suffered and she started to fight for me. I was placed into a foster home and lived there until I was of age to move out on my own.

Turns out that naive little 15 year old me was smarter then most social workers. My mother was admitted to the psychiatric ward and it was finally acknowledged she wasn't fit to raise children (she didnt stay there long, but that is another story). That didn't feel like any sort of victory for me in any way. It only made it harder. Any hopes or dreams I had of one day having a "normal family" were shattered and my self esteem was along with it.

So without going into a long story....believe me I could write a book about all of the shit I got myself into...I grew up without a solid female role model and was pretty messed up for a long time because of it. For a young girl, growing up without a mother (or with a neglectful one) is really hard. Tragically hard to be honest.  So I think it goes without saying that I never liked mothers day. I avoided it like the bubonic plague, usually wound up really drunk at some bar pretending I didnt care when on the inside I was crying. Not fun. I don't recommend it. For years I vowed I would never have children. I was too afraid that I would hurt them the way I was hurt. Afraid I would have a daughter and disappoint her the way I was disappointed....but I dreamed.

Oh I dreamed alright, I just never told anyone my dreams. But I dreamt of having a little girl. Of hugs, cuddles, kisses, picnics, dress up games, running around in angel wings laughing in the sunshine. Making pancakes together for breakfast in the morning, sewing her cute dresses and brushing her hair. I dreamed all right. I never told anyone though, and I certainly didn't think the dream would ever come true. But I dreamed of having a girl and giving her all the love I never got.

And then one day I pee'd on a stick.

And my whole world changed in less then 2 minutes.

And so this brings us to today, 36 weeks pregnant and its mothers day...but this time it isn't about her. It isn't about the hurt she caused me. Or the hurt her mother caused her. It is about "MOTHERS". Mothers around the world, including me, just doing the best they can. It is about my unspoken dreams coming true, of the child I feel kicking and growing inside of me. Its about the love I already feel for this child. The fierce drive to protect and nourish a child I haven't even seen yet.

This mothers day is all about love, and the potential to create more love. And that is pretty freaking awesome

Happy Mothers Day to all of you mamma's out there....those with babes in arms, grown children living on their own, and those of you who are a mamma to a cuddly fuzzy friend too! My kitties love their mamma :)


  1. I feel for you, my mother was an alcoholic and has been in and out of psychiatric care for the past 20 years.

    I actually have an ok relationship with her now (I have not seen her in 5 years but we speak on the phone every few months) but that only happened when I stopped expecting her to be a mother and just accepted her as a sick person.

    She had a bad reputation and a lot of people expected me to turn out like her, and that's what actually pushed me to be better person, and prove them wrong.

    Thanks for sharing, and don't think it's too personal, it's a pain that a lot of people have to deal with at this time of year and no one should feel alone with that burden.

  2. thank you SO much for posting this. after seeing all the joyous "happy mother's day" posts, this was such a relief, to see that i'm not the only one with a atypical relationshiph with my mom. i'm not brave enough to post my story...yet. and i am quite sure you are going to be THE most amazing mother. <3

  3. This is BEAUTIFUL; thank you for bravely sharing. I'm sure today is still painful. But I'm happy you have a little bundle of hope just under your ribs waiting to show you what an amazing mother you are.
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  4. I most definitely never went through what you did, but during junior high & high school, i envied my friend's relationships with their mothers.
    every time i'd ask my mom to go out and see a movie, or simply just craft together, she'd say she was too busy.
    she never taught me how to fix my hair, or how to put on makeup, or anything about being a girl, in general.
    and it's tough. it really is.
    so i feel for you.
    I'm just so happy that you're finally getting to live out your dream!
    Only a few more weeks, mama! :)

  5. Happy Mother's Day to you! and may all the future ones bring a big smile to your face! best to you in the next few weeks! xo natalea

  6. I really appreciate that you posted this. I've been estranged from my mother, a long time alcoholic, for years as well. Although my husband and I are planning to start TTC next fall, in my weaker moments I still worry that I will somehow ruin my kids. Sigh. Mother's Day is always tough. I'm glad you are able to see the positive, however.

  7. Thank you to each one of you for taking the time to leave a comment, it waws a beautiful way to wake up this morning! Along with the fresh coffee and flowers the hubz had waiting for me. Mother's Day will always be a bit of a sore spot for me, but I am excited to have a new outlook on this holiday!!!!! 4 more weeks!

  8. Thank you for posting this. I always had a good relationship with my mother, but my dad was another story. I understand how hard it can be...

    Congrats on your baby! I'm sure you will be a lovely mother and your child will be so lucky to have you.

  9. Very lovely. Very brave. xo Jenners

  10. It's beautiful to get to know a deeper side of you. You are strong and brave and deserve the best in life for breaking through all the pain and giving a new life a chance after what you went through.
    Happy Mother's Day!

  11. It means a lot to me that my words here were able to help some of you, just as getting it out really helped me! Thank you to each of you for taking the time to leave your sweet words xoxo